


grian is not depressed

by mysteryguest



Category: Hermitcraft RPF
Genre: Crying, Depression, Gen, Hugs, Lowercase, M/M, References to Depression, Trauma, Unreliable Narrator, evo - Freeform, yhs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-09
Updated: 2020-06-09
Packaged: 2021-03-03 19:47:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,067
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24621079
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mysteryguest/pseuds/mysteryguest
Summary: grian is not depressed.he isn't.he isn't.he isn't.(he isn't, he tells himself as he curls up and cries, and cries, and cries, and cries some more.)
Relationships: Grian/Goodtimeswithscar, Grian/Taurtis
Comments: 7
Kudos: 412





	grian is not depressed

**Author's Note:**

> a bit of a vent-ish fic i guess??? sorry for being ia for awhile also !!
> 
> and for all of you lovely lovely people reading this, your feelings and emotions and thoughts and sorrow matters!!! there is no "right way" to be depressed, or sad, or angry, there is no "right way" to feel things. if any one of you feel depressed, or if anything is wrong at all, i promise promise things are going to get better, ok? i love you all!!!!!

\---

grian is not depressed.

he's not depressed in high school, not depressed at all.

he smiles. he laughs. he doesn't cry, doesn't stare longingly out the window imagining death.

he's happy.

_(as happy as you can get when you're dragged and dragged and pulled along by a rabbit-eared monster that stabbed your best friend-)_

he's just a little tired today, that's all.

he's just a little unmotivated today, that's all.

grian is not depressed. he _isn't_.

depressed people hurt themselves- that's what the world taught him.

that's what _sam_ taught him.

_(mocking and mocking and nagging, in the back of his head- "depressed people don't smile like you, gri-on! depressed people don't laugh like you!")_

depressed people hurt themselves, and he blanches at the sight of sharpened steel pressed against his skin anyway.

so he's not depressed.

he isn't.

he wonders, idly, if it's normal to want to cry and just collapse against the ground the second something goes wrong, and give up on the world.

but he doesn't want to die.

he doesn't want to hurt.

so he isn't be depressed.

he isn't.

he isn't.

he _isn't_.

\---

grian is not depressed.

he's not depressed in evo, not depressed at all.

he runs around, causing not-so-harmless, fun mayhem. he's finally free from the rabbit who tormented him.

he smiles, and it's not fake anymore. he laughs, and it's not forced anymore.

he's happy. he has taurtis with him, too.

taurtis holds his hands and laughs and jokes and treats him so kindly, and so lovingly-

grian has everything he could possibly want.

so he isn't depressed.

he isn't.

it doesn't matter that he longs and longs and _longs_ for sleep instead of fast-forwarding the time so he can just forget about existing for just a few hours.

it doesn't matter that the feeling of exhaustion and boredom and complete and utter discomfort follows him wherever he goes.

grian is not depressed.

he isn't.

he _isn't_ _!_

he has everything he wants, everyone he loves, right here for him.

so he can't be depressed.

depressed people want to hurt themselves, _(sam smirking and grinning and- since you like acting depressed why don't you hurt yourself then-)_

depressed people lie in bed all day and cry, _(don't cry, don't cry, don't cry, like a broken record label in his head-)_

depressed people have nothing that makes them happy.

so he can't be depressed.

right?

he's just a bit sad today.

just a bit unmotivated today.

\---

grian is not depressed.

he's not depressed in hermitcraft, not depressed at all.

he's lost taurtis, but that's ok, because he has scar now.

he's lost his friends, but that's ok, because he has the other hermits now.

of course, he could never replace the memories from evo.

but he was happy nonetheless. he was _smiling_ nonetheless.

grian has friends and a boyfriend, too, who all love and even help with his scheming and pranking and building.

they think he's _wonderful_.

so grian isn't be depressed.

he isn't, he isn't, he isn't, he isn't.

he isn't depressed when he curls beside the empty minecart in his hobbit hole and cries and cries and cries and cries and cries some more because why isn't mumbo sending any messages to him?

he isn't depressed when the server is quiet and empty and quiet and _quiet_ , and feels detached from his body and his feelings and his _mind_.

he isn't depressed when he sees iskall asking for gunpowder, and _knows_ he should give him some, and _knows_ he has a surplus, but can't motivate himself enough to type out a response.

_(it's the small things he overthinks, he always overthinks it when he should be able to change his clothes or shower or eat but just can't_ _-)_

he isn't depressed.

he _knows_ what being depressed is like.

sam told him. teachers told him. therapists told him. the watchers told him, too.

being depressed is being sad all the time. _(that's what sam told him, every single time he laughed-)_

being depressed is wanting to die and be hurt and leave everyone you know behind. _(that's what taurtis was afraid of, that he would leave him behind-)_

being depressed is having nothing to look forward to, every single day.

that's what everyone told him it was like, and what reason would he have to doubt them?

he isn't depressed.

he's happy- he laughs, he smiles, and doesn't that mean you're happy?

he doesn't want to be hurt, he doesn't want to go through a permadeath.

he has plenty of things he wants to do, looks forward to doing, people he looks forward to seeing.

grian is not depressed.

_(it echoes in his mind as he tells scar and mumbo and iskall how utterly tired and unmotivated and exhausted he feels all the time-)_

he isn't.

he isn't.

he isn't.

he isn't!

he-

he cries and cries and cries and sobs as mumbo and iskall and scar all hold him close, all tell him it's ok.

it's ok to feel like this.

how is it ok?

how is it ok to claim to be depressed, when so so many others feel so differently?

he isn't depressed.

that'd be rude.

that'd be wrong.

that'd be shameful.

but then scar holds him close and tells him-

and tells him-

"it's ok to not be ok, y'know?" he croaks, voice hoarse. "we're here for you, we're- we're here to help you however we can, ok?"

he doesn't understand.

they're supposed to turn to him and raise an eyebrow and tell him what it's _really_ like to feel depressed.

but they didn't.

but they don't.

they listen to him.

they _help_ him.

he cries and cries and cries and for once it's not out of desperation, not out of confusion or frustration.

instead it's out of relief.

instead it's out of happiness.

mumbo sends him daily messages, whether its a joke or a game or just a simple hello.

iskall visits him by his mansion as frequently as he can, telling him about his mega-tree.

and scar...

scar _listens_.

he listens when grian tells him about high school, or evo, or-

...he listens, and it's astonishing.

he listens, and it's _wonderful_.

grian's head still chants and echoes when it's dark and quiet that he isn't depressed, he _isn't-_

but it's ok.

it'll be ok.

things will get better.

it will.

it will.

it _has_.

\---


End file.
